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I have a tradition every year of going blackberry picking and making jam. So making the most of the last dregs of summer, we put on old clothes and boots, picked up baskets and set out. It is such good fun, we get purple fingers and tummy ache from eating too many of the delicious berries as we pick them, walk miles, come home scratched and tired and then make jam. After all that, it is relaxation with a movie and jam on toast!

But, as well as tummy ache and jam, what else did I take from my blackberrying excursion?

1.  Put in the effort. At the edge of the park, near the entrance, many people pick berries. They are near a road (too many fumes, supposed to be being organic here), there are lots dogs (never pick berries from below knee height!) and all the good ones have gone. A trek through the woods though, off the beaten track, there are masses of bushes, loaded with ripe berries, away from the road. 

As with everything, if we put in a little more time and effort rather than go for the quick and easy option, we get better results. And often the time and effort are enjoyable and well spent – not simply a means to an end. If we want to achieve something in life, we must work towards it, part of learning and growing is doing things we find challenging, and this requires effort.

2.  Sometimes the best things are right under your nose. Looking at masses of wild, rambling berry bushes, it is difficult to know where to start. It seems all the biggest, juiciest berries are at the top, just out of reach. I can stretch and edge a little further in, never mind the scratches, solely focused on that berry just beyond me. But when I stepped back a little, I realised that actually the berries within easy reach were just as sweet and juicy.

It is easy to want things which are out of reach and think nothing else will do. While this can be great as it gives us goals to aim for, never forget to appreciate what is right in front you. We often imagine the things just out of bounds have huge benefits, will bring us everything we desire and more, when in reality some of the things in our life could bring immense joy and pleasure, they are just too familiar for us to notice anymore.

3.  Patience is a virtue! When I make jam, I like the process of washing and preparing fruit, getting everything ready, sieving the seeds and so on. But when it starts boiling, I just want it to be cooked. I check for setting every 2 minutes, knowing full well it won’t be ready and getting frustrated that it is taking too long. This year, my impatience got the better of me and I added a little extra pectin to make the jam set. Of course, this backfired, rather than the soft, gooey jam I wanted, it turned out much too hard.

When working towards something, it is so easy to get frustrated when the outcome takes longer than expected (which is often the case!). This frustration and impatience can cause us to do things which may jeopardise the desired outcome, just to speed up the results. Things take time. Life takes time, be patient and let go of results – it will make them come faster.

That being said…….

4.  Enjoy the process. I don’t go blackberry picking just for the jam. Although it is great to make something delicious to give to friends and family, it is not the sole purpose. So when the jam didn’t turn out as well as I hoped, it didn’t matter as I had a really fun day, spent time with loved ones and laughed a lot.

It is too easy to focus on the place we are aiming to be, rather than where we are now. Too many people defer their happiness until X happens, or they achieve Y. There is no guarantees that this will happen, and even it it does, getting there is a journey to be enjoyed. If you are on a 4 hour train journey, don’t clock watch and sigh because you want to be there NOW. Look out at the scenery, do some deep breathing, read a great book, enjoy the ride. You will still arrive at the same time, but you will be happier and more relaxed. Treat life’s journey the same – enjoy the scenery.

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Yesterday I had a very enjoyable interview with Hulbert Lee at From Bottom Up.  He is a great interviewer, the topic was depression and while this can be a sensitive and controversial subjuct, I hoped we covered, at least the basics, well.  You can listen to the interview here.

Have you ever found yourself making lots of plan to improve your life, you have the best of intentions and know what your goals are, but never quite get around to taking action?

If you are, or ever have been, stuck in a rut of inertia before, you probably know the sense of helplessness and frustration that takes over your life. You want your life to change, but feel powerless to do anything about it yourself.

Taking action can be intimidating, difficult and require strength. But without it, you can have the best plans and goals in the world, but you will get nowhere.

So how can you overcome this stumbling block and start to put your plans into action?

Well, although taking action can frighten you, it can also empower you. If you learn to use it effectively, it can keep propelling you forwards to a much more fulfilled life. As soon as you get started, you realise there was never anything to fear in the first place, and you’ll never get stuck again!

Below are three simple steps that show you how to get started:

1. Remember, your life is the way it is right now because of your hesitation in taking action! Understanding the importance of overcoming your fears and taking action, regardless, of any anxiety you may feel is important to help you move forward.

Now, decide on one action to take to get the ball rolling. Think about your life right now, and ask yourself which situations you want to change first. You might choose your career, relationships, health, financial situation, or anything else that makes you feel powerless and stuck. Then think about one simple action you can take to inspire some positive change. It doesn’t have to be a huge action, just SOMETHING to start building momentum.

2. Once you’ve decided on your action step, you’ll have to push yourself to take it no matter what! This may seem incredibly difficult or even scary, but remember that most often the things you fear are not going to happen. In fact, you may not even have a clear reason for feeling scared – you’re just afraid of the “unknown”. Give yourself a pep talk or push yourself in any way you have to in order to move forward at least a little bit. After you take that first step, be sure to let go of any expectations of the things that will happen because of it, and allow yourself to feel great simply because you did something about it!

3. Repeat with the same step, and/or others. Once you’ve taken one step forward, you’ll need to keep pushing yourself to take others. Even if you take a 5 small steps in a month, you’ll be putting in positive effort to make changes in your life, which cannot help but bring about better circumstances!

The good news is that taking action quickly begins to build momentum. Just as chronic non-action can create a cycle of negativity and stagnation over time, being proactive can create a positive cycle that continues to grow! It gets easier the more you do it, which eventually makes it seem almost effortless – and you continue to empower and strengthen yourself with every step you take.

What actions are you going to take today?  How will they improve your life?

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Today I am lucky enough to have a guest post at Virgin Blogger Notes. It is all about inspiration and ideas, well worth a read – you can have a look here.

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I have recently done an interview with Hulbert Lee at From Bottom Up which was thoroughly enjoyable.  You can listen to the interview here.

When I turned on my radio this morning, it was on a dance station and the lyrics of a David Guetta song jumped out at me;

‘All the things I know right now, if I only knew back then…….wish I could spin my world into reverse.’

OK, the song is about trying to get back a lost love but it got me thinking. 

If you could go back in time and change events, would you?  Are regrets really worth your energy and how can you move past them? 

If we could go back and rectify all our ‘mistakes’ we would never learn anything.  The world would not move forwards, things wouldn’t change. 

Think of your biggest regret and work through the following steps to overcome it.  I will use one incident I still think about a lot, although it seems trivial.

I have only ever told one or two people this.  When I was 4 or 5, I put salt on a slug, it shrivelled, it foamed and the slug was no more.  Well, I was hysterical, it took my poor parents about 3 days of tears before I finally told them what was wrong – I killed a slug.  They managed to convince me it wasn’t that bad but I still think about it and still regret it.

1. Think of how the incident you regret shaped your life.

What effect did killing that slug have on my development?  Well now I love bugs and insects, and will not kill any of them, no matter what.  I actively encourage insects in my garden, and my friends think I’m odd – when they are about to squish something I tend to zoom in and save it!  I’m very compassionate and I’m sure some of this came from the slug incident. 

So yes, I still wish I hadn’t salted the damn thing, but if I hadn’t, perhaps I wouldn’t be so compassionate and that is one of my better qualities. 

If you can’t find anything at all positive in the situation you regret, vow to learn something from it, never make the same again, and you have found that silver lining.

2. Make amends where possible.

OK, I can’t make amends to the slug, but if your regret involves hurting someone, go back and apologise, tell them you regret the incident and ask if there is anything you can do to fix things.  If the person doesn’t respond favourably, don’t worry, you are trying your best to make up for things and that is all you can do.

3. Check your thinking and don’t dwell on it.

Often regrets swim round our heads, we can’t seem to get them out and they cause upset, sadness and pain.  As with any other negative thoughts, thinking needs to be changed to eliminate them.  Letting them replay over and over keeps you  living in the past and achieves nothing except making the situation worse.  Look at the regret objectively, your memory of things may blow it out of proportion and makes things seem much worse than they really were. 

4. Examine your motives

More often than not the things we regret weren’t done out of spite or malice, we were doing the best we could with the knowledge and tools we had at the time.  Salting the slug was part of my childhood learning – I was exploring, learning and trying new things, not being nasty or cruel.  That is what growth and development is all about, you may have made a bad decision or judgement but that does not relect on you as a person.

5. Be gentle with yourself

Beating yourself up won’t help, it will simply bring misery to you.  So forgive yourself.  Yes you did something you regret but you have tried your best to make amends, learnt a valuable lesson and can now begin to move forwards. 
I now don’t regret anything – it accomplishes nothing and the clock won’t be pushed back.  But the thought of regret does make me do things I hesitate over.  From the silly things, like going parascending (try it, it’s amazing!), to the larger things like spending as much time as possible with my family and loved ones. 

I try to live by the expression – I would rather regret the things I have done, than those I haven’t. 

Do you have any regrets?  How do you move forwards and use them to learn?  Please leave comments below.

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A couple of weeks ago had a meeting I was nervous about.  Now while nerves, in small amounts, can be a good thing – they make us prepare better and show we really care about something, it is essential we can keep them under control and project an air of confidence, whatever the situation.  So how do we do that?  And does the confidence have to be real?

The difference between a confident and a shy person can be seen in their body language and experts estimate up to 95% of communication is non verbal……so giving off the right signals is essential.  An air of confidence can make or break an important business negotiation, attract a date or attract others to you.

Confident people have that ‘something’ about them; I’m not sure what exactly it is, but it draws people to them, inspires trust and is far simpler to attain than people realise. Yey!

The trick to being confident is to act confidently.  Even if you are privately dealing with insecurities, you can still appear confident to others. 

Consider how a confident person walks and moves. How would their posture look? What kind of things would they be thinking? How would they speak to other people? Once you have answered these questions you need to imagine yourself looking, thinking and speaking like this.  It may be a bit odd at first, but really see it in your mind and then carry that over into your life. When you have a stressful situation coming up, imagine how that confident person would approach it – and then do exactly that.

There are some body language signals you need to steer clear of.   Avoiding eye contact, slouching and hanging your head to name a few.  You want to adopt a cool, composed and calm demeanour especially in stressful situations, stand straight and tall, head held high and looking relaxed (even if on the inside you are a bag of nerves!)

The more you practise, the easier it becomes to ‘play’ that confident person, until you are no longer playing.  That confident person is you.

The mind and the body work together, so by changing one you can influence the other.  If you think confidently, you will act confidently.  Practice thinking confidently by reliving confident experiences in your mind, and thinking of yourself as a super confident person and this will affect your outward projection of confidence.  Conversely, the more you physically exude confidence (even if it is an act) the more your mind feels confident. 

Becoming more confident in body and mind cannot be separated.   Where one leads, the other will follow.

How do you project an air of confidence or deal with nerves? Do leave your thoughts below and remember to sign up for the newsletter on the right for loads more exclusive info:)

I have lists for everything, I love them! Shopping lists, to do lists for work, home and general stuff, blog post idea lists, lists of goals I want to achieve…the list goes on!

But there are a few of lists which can have a very beneficial effect on your self confidence, self esteem and happiness.

Here are five lists I think everyone should have.

List of things you like about yourself.

Whether this is personality traits, physical attributes, talents or skills, achievements or anything else. I dislike the phrase ‘learn to love yourself’, but realising you are a very likeable person who has a lot to offer, not only boosts confidence but helps you put your flaws or weaknesses into perspective. On this note, be realistic about flaws and weakness. Yes we all have them, but don’t blow them out of proportion and embrace them as being part of the loveable you.

List of accomplishments and strengths.

This can be linked with the things you like about yourself and include small and large things. Focusing on strengths and things you have accomplished reminds you just how capable you are and keeps attention on the positive. Perhaps you plucked up the courage to talk to a new person, did something for charity or are super organised. Maybe you stuck to your commitment to exercise, are a really good friend or learnt a new computer programme? This one can be endless!

List of compliments you have received.

Isn’t it easy to remember nasty or negative comments people have said to you? We take on board these remarks really easily, but dismiss the compliments we are paid. So next time someone tells you you have done a good job, have made a difference to them, or even that you look good, put it on your list. When you are feeling a little low, recognise that others can see our strengths, even if we don’t always.

This list isn’t about being narcissistic, simply about realising others see positive things about you, often things you may not see yourself.

List of affirmations.

So you remember to say them every day. Keep them positive, in the present tense and up to date.

List of things you are grateful for.

There is nothing better than looking at things you are grateful for – this list should be long! It can include absolutely everything from your drinking water, to your family to your car. From the fact you are all in one piece, to the fact you can run and jump to the fact you have had a holiday this year.

When we are in a state of gratitude is is almost impossible to feel miserable.

People often cite lack of time as a reason for not doing lists, but you can update these in less than 5 minutes a day and the effect on you will be phenomenal.

Do you make lists? Or is the extent of your lists a shopping list on the back of a scrap envelope?!

Lack of motivation can be a huge problem.  We start a new project, all fired up but then it starts to dwindle as the initial excitement wears off.  So how do we keep that spark alive?

It can help to focus on why you are doing things.  If you are trying to eat healthily and exercise, write down all the reasons you can think of that you want to do this.  E.g. I will have more energy, my skin will glow, I will feel proud of my body and my achievements. 

Keep the reasons positive, avoid reasons such as I don’t want to get fat, diabetes or be unable to walk by the time I’m 65.  Talk about putting you in a negative frame of mind! 

When your motivation is lacking, have a read through the  list to re – inspire yourself.

Make sure you are doing something you really want to.  I find it difficult to motivate myself to do the ironing, but then ironing is not how I would choose to spend my time.  I rarely find it difficult to motivate myself to see a patient, meet up with friends or write a blog post.  (I sometimes lack inspiration in this last one but the motivation is there!) 

If you are really lacking motivation to follow through with your plans or work towards your goals, re assess them.  Are you aiming for them because they are a passion of yours?  Because they will help you achieve something really want?    Or because you feel you should, or ‘have to’?  Goals and desires are often imposed on us by others, and while they may become part of our subconscious, when we look deeply, it is not what we REALLY want. 

Remember everyone has ‘off’ days.  If you, generally, work towards your goals, enjoy it, don’t procrastinate and are well motivated, but have one day when you really don’t feel like doing anything, don’t worry.  It happens to everyone, listen to your body, spend the day doing something else and return the following day refreshed, revitalised and full of motivation.  If you are continuously lacking motivation, look a little deeper.

Have a supply of inspirational and motivational books, e-mails, mp3s etc., so when you are feeling a little flat you have something to re-energise yourself.

Any goal is a process – there will always be ups and downs so if you are eating healthily, but have a day when you eat a pizza and a pint of ice cream, it isn’t the end of the world, just get back to it tomorrow and carry on.  Be gentle with yourself and look at your positives reasons to get back on track.

I sometimes find it helpful to look at where I was a year, even 2, 3, 5 years ago and see how much has changed.  Often we don’t notice the small changes day to day, but over a period of time they really add up.  Seeing these differences can really increase motivation.

Reward yourself for the things you do – when you have done a workout, congratulate yourself and remember you are well on the way to achieving a goal.

Be specific.  Wanting to exercise ‘more’ it isn’t specific enough.  Perhaps you want to exercise for 45 minutes 3 times a week (book times in your diary!), perhaps you want to be able to run a 10k in under an hour by the end of September.  Give yourself something concrete to aim for and it will help motivate you.

Just do one thing.  Set yourself one task daily, and make it small. This will give you a feeling of achievement when it is completed, you won’t feel overwhelmed by a huge list, and once you have done the small task, you may well feel motivated to do more. 

Start the day well.  When you wake up take a few minutes to breathe deeply, visualise you day going well, visualise your outcomes and set your frame of mind to positive.  Start on the right foot and things will continue in the same vein.

Now, what are you doing still reading…..crack on with achieving your goals!

What keeps you motivated?  Do you have any tips to share?

 I have written a guest post today at www.finallygettingtoeven.com about increasing your self esteem.  It has some great tips so do have a read.

The Quick Confidence Guide: Easy Strategies for Gaining Confidence in Any Situation.

By Ralph Jean-Paul

When Ralph first asked me to review this book I was a little apprehensive. While I like doing reviews I am always a little nervous in case I don’t like the content and have to write something negative. I need not have worried!

The Quick Confidence Guide does exactly what it says on the tin. It provides useful, practical information which can be easily implemented in any number of circumstances.

The introduction gives a brief overview of confidence and distinguishes between feeling good, which is important, and knowing you are good, no matter what your ability. I agree this is the true definition of being confident.

Each chapter is focused, well written and, although relatively short and concise, gives enough information to feel great in an upcoming situation.

Professional Confidence provides great tips on fostering a good environment at work, dealing with your boss, co workers and believing in your own ability.

There are chapters on giving a presentation, how to deal with a first date, and interviews.

‘Building confidence in others’ is a great addition. A section of this arena rarely dealt with, it shows how to be a great leader in every sense of the word. Whether you are a parent or teacher, an office worker or a CEO, this section will provide valuable information.

There are then chapters on regaining lost confidence, approaching a love interest, dealing with confrontation and more.

I particularly liked the section confidence for introverts. It is often believed that introverts are not confident – Ralph dispels this myth and explains how to work with your introverted characteristics without being confined to them.

Although the information in this book was not ground breaking, as a concise guide to dip into when the need arises, it is perfect.

Ralph’s obvious passion for his subject and for helping others develop shines though and makes this guide a thoroughly enjoyable read.

You can find the book at potential2succcess (not an affiliate link!)or on Amazon: The Quick Confidence Guide

I have spent a lot of this week writing which means there are a couple of cracking posts coming up next week – make sure you don’t miss them – subscribe by e-mail or RSS by clicking the box on the right.

Last week I was in Budapest, and I have to say, it was one of the best cities I have visited. The people were ultra friendly, the architecture was stunning, the spa was truly relaxing and the general vibe was so relaxed.

It was also a stark reminder for me to slow down. I live in London, the pace of life is fast, I have a constantly updating to do list, I work hard, play hard, exercise hard and sleep well. I order coffee and want it now. I expect fast service in the shops, people to be on time and get frustrated when I have to queue unexpectedly. (There are some places I know I will have to queue for ages and then I don’t mind as I am prepared for it!)

Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. I thrive on the hustle and bustle of London, feel glad I am achieving a lot and do schedule plenty of time for fun and relaxation. I prepare my lunch the evening before so I know I can enjoy half an hour to savour a healthy meal. I plan time to meditate, see my Chiropractor and have the odd massage. I walk in nature and do the garden – all very relaxing – but also planned into busy weeks.

Very rarely do I have a day with no plans at all. The thought of waking up, a whole day stretching ahead with nothing at all planned to do, is completely alien to me.

When planning my trip, there were many things I wanted to see and do, but was determined not to set a complete itinerary and just go with the flow.

As landed at the airport, my bags came off the carousel first (oh the power of visualisation!), I jumped on a bus and managed to buy my ticket using a phrase book and a very understanding driver!

As I got off the bus I knew the hotel was only a couple of minutes away but was so blown away by some of the buildings surrounding me I just stopped and stared. Then I pulled out the map and began to hunt for the right road. I was in the middle of a main street but everyone seemed to be walking slower that at home. People sat outside a café chatting away and looking laid back, they dawdled out of the train station seeming to have all the time in the world.

I was obviously a tourist, but must also have the look of an English woman about me! A man stopped and asked (in English – was it that obvious?) if he could help me. Well, what a welcome to Hungary!

The architecture of the city reminded me a little of London; many detailed carvings on buildings, stone masonry which took your breath away, churches and synagogues of astounding beauty and all alongside modern glass buildings, noisy bars and restaurants.

My pace of life had to adapt. I couldn’t go into a bar or café, order a glass of wine or a coffee, pay, have a quick chat with someone then move on as I would at home. Table service meant ordering a drink, waiting a while for it to arrive, sipping slowly and enjoying the surroundings, then waiting some more for the bill.

The first few times this happened I started to get really frustrated……I just wanted to pay for my coffee and go and see the next sight (even though there was no itinerary!!). I didn’t want to wait for 10 minutes for the bill to arrive.

However, finding this was just the way of life here, and certainly not poor service, I embraced it, sat back in the chairs and took time to admire my surroundings in a way I never would have done before. In my world, I would have seen all the sights and attractions but wouldn’t have taken in the little details. Wouldn’t have noticed the beautiful roof on the otherwise ordinary building, or the cute ornament in the shop next door. Wouldn’t have noticed the intricate structure of the several bridges over the Danube, or the blueness of the sky through the trees.

But this was a different world and I did see all of those things.

After just a day I had slowed down, and was wondering why things didn’t work this way at home? Hungary still has thriving businesses and people get things done, slowing down doesn’t mean not moving forwards.

So thank-you Budapest for making slow down and take notice. By day three I was languidly wandering around, taking in everything, in a calm and serene way, not worried about whether I would see everything I wanted to – just enjoying wherever I was at the time. And do you know what – I still got to do everything on the list!

I have vowed to bring this slower pace home, to slow down, notice more and enjoy things rather than doing them to tick them off the to do list. In fact I might even bin that to do list……….

View from one of the bridges over the Danube

I would like to welcome Jan from http://www.finallygettingtoeven.com/ who has kindly written a guest post for me today. 

Saving time, we all want to do it. Getting things done by the easiest means possible is the mantra of the 21st century. We are all running through our lives at warp speed. We have no patience or tolerance for anything that we actually have to wait on so we continue to look for and improve just about anything to make our daily lives manageable.

What happened to us? We are wired, tired and completely stressed out, how could this be? We are supposedly one of the greatest nations on earth. We have more development and time saving devices than most industrialized nations on this earth, and they keep on coming. New technology, new inventions, everyday. We should be gaining more hours at the end of each day, instead we are slowly running out.

Take a look at us. We spend our days within the comfort of cooling A/C by summer and toasty warm heat in the winter. When our bellies are hungry food is as close as the nearest drive-thru window, the most effort we have to obtain it is pushing the button on our electric windows. As we wait in the comfort of our vehicles, with the soothing sounds of music to our ears, our bottoms nestled comfortably upon the leather seats we silently curse those in the line in front of us for taking so long with their own orders.

Perhaps we are eating in this evening. Grocery stores line our city streets with more choices available to us than what seems humanly possible. If we have shopped ahead of time one must only return to their home to assemble their desired meal for the evening by removing items from their packaging and allowing the microwave to take over. We have refrigeration to keep our food cold and a multitude of cooking devices that allow us to have the meal on the table in minutes.

We have clothes washers to do the dirty work, and clothes dryers to save us from actually having to hang our clothing on a line. Dishwashers wash our dishes and vacuum cleaners save us time from the broom. One can ride when it comes time to cut the grass or perhaps you only have a push-mower, well there are mowers that push themselves so you won’t have to. Watching TV, heaven forbid you sit through the torture of commercial breaks, fast forward through them, better yet- watch cable.

Get it yet? Why are you running out of hours at the end of the day. Are you so busy working to pay for the time-saving devices so that you won’t have to work so hard that you have no time left at the end of the day?

Why is it when you visit places that have no time-saving devices that you find that people have lots of time? I’m now going to let you in on a little secret: You can’t save time, it is impossible, you can only spend it. You can spend it wisely or foolishly, that is up to you. Each person on this planet is given the same amount of hours each and every day. How is it that some are able to live life to its fullest, enjoying the ride every moment along the way, while others flounder about like a fish thrown from water. You need to honestly ask yourself if you might be wasting more time by trying to save it. You just might be surprised at the answer.

I would love to hear your thoughts and interact with you, please drop in on the comment section below and let’s talk. And if you like what you read please share with a friend or two – it’s easy with our links willing and raring to go. Thanks for reading my blog!